2020年的春节

         2020年的春节与新型冠状病毒的爆发和恐慌同时降临。总想写些什么，却没有辞令。也许是寻求慰籍，也许是为了以书告慰母亲和外祖母，想到了2017年底、2018年初母亲去世前后的事，也找到了2018年的一些写作。

          “母亲去世前的两年我有幸与她见面并在她生命中的最后一个冬天与她相守五个星期。在她医院的病榻前我与母亲渡过了我的生日并合影。每每想到这些我不由得感到欣慰。我想生命本无意义。只有当你赋予了它意义，它才向你呈现意义。我在期望新的美好的旅程，因为很多人曾经、正在为我的人生付出。正像母亲说的：‘为什麽活着？为了别人。’”

The 2020 Chinese New Year

          The Spring Festival of 2020 arrived with a bang from the coronavirus and its shock. I had so much to say, yet not a single descriptive word or clue came to my mind. Instead, I found some writing from 2018 when I journaled after the passing of my mother and my maternal grandmother in early 2018. I would like to share those thoughts I had in memory of my mother while she went through the ordeal from late 2017 to early 2018. I found some comfort in these memories. I would also like to use this opportunity to offer my book to my mother and grandmother.  

          “I had the fortune to meet with my mother in the last two years of her life, and spend five weeks with her for the last winter she would ever see. I celebrated my birthday by tending to her needs by her bedside in the hospital. That birthday was captured by a picture. I could not help feeling grateful when recalling these invaluable moments. Meanings have to be endowed to life for them to show, I figured. I am hopeful of a new and beautiful journey because many individuals were and are sacrificing for my life. I remember my mother’s response to my question on meaning of life, “Why live? For others.”

金戒指和玉挂

          也许是前几天提起，这两天一直在想着姥姥小时候给我的一个许诺：“等你长大了，我给你一个金戒指。”

          我一天天、一年年长大，接受教育、工作。生活一天天、一年年过去，始终没收到姥姥的金戒指。也许她会在某个纪念日给我？某个节日？某个场合？没有还是没有。

          我实在等不下去了，就买了一对玉佛、玉观音送给姥姥、姥爷各自挂在脖子上。他们戴着玉佛、玉观音十几年一直到去世。

          去年十月份听一位加拿大的土著画家讲他的画。他的女儿一直趴在他旁边的地上看电脑。画家很自豪他可以谋得生计养家糊口，感叹养一个孩子很贵。

          顺着这条线想下去，小时候长住姥姥家大概也花销不菲。我又喜欢带街坊邻居小孩来姥姥家玩，很大方地把姥姥的东西送给他们。姥姥则仰起脸对站在土炕上的我很是敬仰：“俺家闺女真仁义。”如此下来，也只有金戒指可以支持这种大方了。

Gold Ring and Jade Necklaces

          A promise Grandmother made in my childhood kept coming back to me recently, “I’ll give you a gold ring when you grow up.” I remembered it probably because I talked about grandma a few days ago.

           I went to school, and then got employed. But Grandma seemed to have forgotten the promise of a gold ring. I counted days and then years, wishing she could hand the ring to me. On an anniversary maybe? Or a festival or special occasion? Still there was no ring.

          My patience ran out. I bought necklaces with jade buddha and bodhisattva pendants for my grandparents instead. They kept the jade necklaces on for over a decade till they passed away.  

          I went to listen to a Canadian indigenous artist’s talk on his paintings last October. His daughter watched her tablet by his side on the floor while he lectured. The painter was content he could make a living with art, because life was costly, particularly kids.

         I followed the train of thought and recalled my long-term stays with my grandparents when I was young. Those stays must have been hard to afford. And I enjoyed inviting my friends over to my Grandma’s house and gifting them with Grandma’ belongings. Grandma would look up at me as I stood on the brick and dirt bed with deep admiration, “How generous my girl is!” Generosity that could only be supported by a gold ring then.  

The Ability to Appreciate Beauty

Cynthia Zhang

          The setting sun's light reflected off the snow that blanketed the quiet campus. Christmas was coming. Relieved of all burden, red-brick buildings and tall pine trees yawned under their white cloaks, ready to sleep. Everything was a wonder. Such beauty reminded me of North Dakota and Montana in the summer two years ago, when I was on my way to Washington State.

          The beauty of the nature in the two states was bountiful. Endless grassland stretched forever with yellow wild flowers all over. My car was floating on the flower clouds. My mind was wandering off the highway from time to time, occupied with nice small talk with silent black herds of cattle.  

           When I finally stopped my car, I found a flat tire instead. My misjudgment in the morning when I started the journey followed and haunted me eventually. I learned from construction workers on the road a small shop a litter over ten miles ahead might help me.

          The kind lady working in the shop dragged out a huge electric pump for me, but neither of us was able to pump air into the flat tire. All I could do was to replace the flat tire with my back-up tire in the car trunk. There were no tools in the trunk. I had never changed a tire before.

         The lady made a phone call then. A young man arrived in the shop a little over ten minutes later in a truck. He changed my tire skillfully. I took the opportunity to pat his dog on the head and chatted with the dog a little. The young man rejected my money, quickly collected his tools, and left with his dog in his dust covered truck.

          I followed the lady’s instructions and drove at two thirds of the usual speed on the back-up tire. After another forty or fifty miles, I finally found the repair shop as informed by the lady. Then I realized my cell was out of signal.

          The repair shop struck me as even more run down than the shop. Auto parts piled around in the yard. The inventory did not have a door. A middle-aged mechanic showed up when I almost lost my patience after shouting in the yard for service for quite a while. I stared at the mechanic, not knowing what his torn and dirty clothes meant. A drama maybe? When I saw his wife coming out of a room in similar attire, sweat rolled down my back.

          The couple began to look for suitable tire for my car when they learned about my situation. I started to work on my laptop with my back close a wall for self-defense. I tried to look calm while my mind was racing. What do they want? My life or my money? A tire costs about one to two hundred dollars. Plus labor? I decided to let it be. Whatever, it was my fate.

          No good fit was found for my car, the couple informed me after looking hard around. I felt more sweat on my back.

          The man grinned to reassure me he could fix my tire for the trip. I did not know if I had confidence in his ability but agreed to let him try. He glued up the broken tire, and beamed with a promise I could ride my car all the way to the west coast. I handed him a two-dollar tip to add to his ten-dollar charge.

          I was on my way again finally. My car did not make any fuss for over one hundred miles. I felt the hung sword over my head gone out of my car window. Whew!

          The beauty of the nature came back to me. My longing for a new home came back to me as well. Sweat rolled down my back again when I recalled my encounters with the shop lady, the young man with a truck, and the repair shop couple in the past half a day.

          In the several months before my mother passed away, I showed her many pictures. I meant to let her see what my life was like in the several years I was not able to visit her. Some pictures were taken on my way to many different destinations. Mother must have understood the untold stories behind these pictures of the beautiful nature.

欣赏美的能力

          节前的校园很安静，斜阳余光映在雪地上。红砖的教学楼和高耸的松树也似乎闲了下来，披着雪衣闭目养神。很美。这静谧的美让我又想起了两年前夏天途经北达科他州和蒙大拿州的情形。

          这两个州的自然风光让人难忘。大片大片的草地绵延着，黄色小花漫山遍野。我的车在花云中漫步。我时时想着要游弋出寂静的高速路与黑色的牛群聊聊天。

          当我停下车时却发现车胎瘪了，早上出发时的误判有了报应。好在前方不远处有工人在修路，得知前方十几英里处有个小商店也许可以帮我的忙。

          热心的女店主拖出偌大的电子打气机给我用。我们摆弄半天最终没能给车胎充上气，唯一的出路是用备胎。而我却既无工具更没换胎经验。

          女店主打了一个电话，十多分钟后一个小伙子开着卡车来到店里。他干净利索地帮我换上了备胎。我则拍着他的狗亲切地聊了两句。给他钱他拒绝了，极快地收拾好工具，带着他的狗开着他满是尘土的卡车走了。

          遵照女店主的嘱咐我以平时三分之二的速度开着装上备胎的车又走了四、五十英里，终于到了汽车维修站。这时我的手机信号也没有了。

          这个汽车维修站比那个小商店更破败。汽车零部件堆了一场院，仓库少了门。当我喊了半天终于见到一个中年修理工时，他身上满是洞的脏衣服让我起疑：这是拍电影吧？当他同样衣衫褴褛的妻子跟出来时，我背上开始冒汗。

          夫妇两人问清情况，开始找合适的车胎。我若无其事地开始在手提电脑上工作起来。背始终靠着一面墙以防万一，同时也等着报价的打击。车胎至少一二百，再加上人工费？哎，不是要命就是要钱吧。命该如此吧。

          夫妇两个忙了半天也没找到合适的胎。我背上的汗流得更快了。

          男店主笑呵呵地说他可以把我的车胎补好，车可以照开。我半信半疑，也只好由他。他用胶补好胎，保证我可以一直开到西海岸。他报价十元，我又给他两元小费。

          终于可以上路了。当我的车痛痛快快跑了一百多英里后，我一颗悬着的心终于放了下来。

          美景又回到了我的眼前，我对新家的向往也回来了。想想过去半天碰到的女店主、小伙子和夫妇俩，我背上的汗又流下来了。

          母亲去世前几个月我曾经把我的照片发给她，让她知道我未能看望她的几年生活是什么样的。这些照片中有一些是沿途的美景。这些美景照片背后的故事想来母亲也是可以想见的。

Berkeley Vacation in Early Winter
Cynthia Zhang

Morning chill in Berkeley penetrated the shoreline. A light fog covered the high-rises on the other side of the sea. Flocks of seagulls and crows fled to the ocean with my approaching steps among other birds I could not name.

What a beautiful early winter morning in California! I opened my heart to all the smiles and hellos by walkers and bikers and translated the pleasant reception into a good wish for my vacation here. 

My Book and "Life as a Feather: Watching Forrest Gump"

My new book (also my first book) Identity and Social Networks: A Case of Chinese Graduate Students in the U.S. is in Amazon as well as on the publisher's website.

The book will be released on November 15, 2019. 

Amazon Link: https://www.amazon.com/Identity-Social-Networks-Graduate-Students/dp/1498546579/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Cynthia+Baiqing+zhang&qid=1571074823&sr=8-1

Lexington Books: https://rowman.com/ISBN/9781498546584/Identity-and-Social-Networks-A-Case-of-Chinese-Graduate-Students-in-the-United-States

Promotion Code: LEX30AUTH19 to get 30% off on hard-back and ebook. Valid till 11-30-2020. 

My thanks to all who have helped me with the book. 

I am also uploading a "poem": Life as a Feather: Watching Forrest Gump. I felt I was pretty much like Forrest Gump the first time I saw it in the 1990s. I wrote this poem in English in 2009 after I watched it another time (I cannot remember how many times I watched it, so many). I translated the poem into Chinese. My gratitude to all who care to read my writing. Whenever possible, I will have both Chinese and English versions.

Life as a Feather: Watching Forrest Gump

Cynthia Zhang 

2009

Tears, thoughts, and destiny.

A simpleton of Forrest Gump

Brings joy to the meaning of life.

"When you love your creation,

Miracle happens," the producer says.

Well, then, I believe you, my dear lady.

I will work on my miracle 

To see it in the rainbow at the end of 

My road.

羽毛般的生命- 观阿甘正传有感
张柏青

泪水和着对命运的思索
因着愚笨单纯的阿甘
尽情流淌着
生命有意义
更有喜悦

导演诠释阿甘：
“当你深爱自己的创作时，
奇迹就会出现。”
我相信你，导演女士。
我就朝着我的奇迹努力吧。
祈祷与彩虹
在我的路尽头相遇。

Mid-Autumn Festival, A Time to Dream

Cynthia Zhang

2009

          The hilltop lawn where the spaceship stands is speechless, heeding the mourning of the fathomless sea at the foot of the cliff. The equally transparent space and skies around the spaceship say their last goodbye to the couple destined to be apart from the world where everyone else belongs.

          With a light touch on the launch button, the shuttle starts its one-way curve into the universe. 

Hesch: New York City and China's East Coast
Cynthia Zhang
August 13, 2019

Hesch

纽约和中国东部沿海

          炖上了鸡，烤上了三文鱼，吃过了虾酱豆腐。本想重拾早前的温和心态修改为一个半月前匆匆离世的Hesch写的祭文，却被为利奇马风暴围困在中国东海岸的家人担心不已。终于还是再次拿起电话拨通了国内老家。线上的长聊让我看到了风暴肆虐后的惨景，却也终于为家人的安全放下心来。

          鸡好了，三文鱼很香。让我想起三年前在纽约度过的圣诞。在Barbara家里，Hesch端坐在饭桌旁，乐呵呵地等着圣诞大餐。两张拼在一起的餐桌上铺着餐布。Barbara做的豆豉鱼色香味俱全，远胜我从中国城餐馆买的中式海鲜，让我讶异。面对满桌子的菜，Marcia 评论说可能吃不了。一番推杯换盏，一桌的菜已经被我们四人风卷残云般消灭尽净。席间的交谈天上地下，中国美国，犹太人和中国城的圣诞约会，随意惬意。圣诞对在座的所有人都是客座节日，却因着相聚而温暖人心。许多的家人都远在天涯，我却坚信他们都会为我在一个特殊冬日里的幸福心生感念。

          几天前再访纽约是暴雨消退后的八月初。纽约熙熙攘攘的人群很有特色。一是着黑衣者比比皆是。男士黑色西装，女士黑色裙衫。二是犹太人很多，时常会看到头心顶隔天小黑帽的大胡子。

          当我在地铁、商场人群聚集的地方看到行色匆匆的老人、壮年、青年和孩子时，常常会想起一个记不清来处的比喻：每个人都背着一个生命轮，它的亮度即是我们生命力的强度。我在想每个人的生命轮的亮度也许是他灵魂的光。当Hesch微笑着再三查证我的行程无误，他的生命轮应该是煜煜生辉的吧。

            纽约和中国东海岸，愿风暴过后都是夏末秋初的清丽和祥和。

Hesch

New York City and China’s East Coast

            After putting a chicken in a stew pot and placing some salmon fish on the baking rack, I finished eating my shrimp jam sautéed tofu. I decided a mild mood was appropriate for revising a eulogy for Hesch who passed away a month and half ago. But I could not manage to bring back that cool mindset. Typhoon Lekima had had trapped my family on the east coast in China. When I finally got to have a long talk on the phone with my family who showed me the damage done by Lekima, I felt the burden of worrying for their lives was off my shoulders.

           The chicken stew was ready and the salmon was tasty. They brought back the Christmas eve I had spent in New York City in Barbara’s apartment with Barbara, Hesch, and Marcia three years before. With a grin, Hesch sat at the Christmas dinner table covered by a nice table cloth, waiting. The fish with black bean dace made by Barbara looked nice, smelled good, and was tasty. I could not believe her cooking was so much more impressive than the seafood I bought from some restaurants in Chinatown. Marcia worried the dishes all over the dinner table comprised actually of two tables were too much for the four of us. But the red wine and the warm talk witnessed fast consumption of all food. Oh, the conversation was lovely and all inclusive: China and the U.S., Jewish people and Chinatown’s Christmas eve date…  On a Christmas that was a courtesy holiday for all of us, I was grateful for the happiness I felt. And I firmly believed all our family far away from us were happy for me because of this special winter day.

           When I revisited New York City a few days ago, a summer storm just subsided. Early August saw busy crowds everywhere. It seemed to me there were people in black all over: men in black suits, and women in black dresses and shirts. It also seemed to me there were Jewish people in every corner: bearded men with Jewish kippahs.

          When I saw seniors, middle-aged people, young people, and children in subway stations and stores, I often recalled a statement from a source I could not remember: everyone has a wheel of light on his/her back showing the strength of their lives. Maybe, I thought, that wheel was the reflection of a person’s soul. When Hesch checked thrice on my schedule for my safety, his wheel of light must be like that of a jewel.

            I pray for a crisp and auspicious day when the late summer met with the early fall, in New York City and China’s east coast.