Two Excerpts from "A Kiss from Heaven"
Cynthia Zhang
2009
Excerpts: A Kiss from Heaven
The following two excerpts: “The Loss: A Decade of
Confusion” and “The Hell” are the two major types of characters who serve as
the “insider eye” and “outsider eye” to see the status quo in China mid-1990s
to early 2000s. The “insider eye” are men in Mimi’s life from within China and
the “outside eye” are male colleagues of Mimi from outside China or Chinese
with overseas experiences.
“The
Hell” begins with a “Dante-like” description of the hell that reflects the overall
state of the hero Satan’s life. For many Chinese intellectuals, religion in
various forms (principles, God, totems, and so on) are respectful because it
cultivates humility: people should not act as god to fellow humans. “The Loss”
is a story of Yida who persists in his belief in unconditional love and family
and who runs into repeated disappointments.
When
I wrote about Satan for the chapter of hell, I thought I was too harsh: a man
born in wealth who is also an alcoholic and womanizer eventually loses his wife
and family. As my horizon broadened, more extreme cases came my way. That is one
benefit of the fact that the writing process dragged on. Similarly, when I
wrote about Yida for the chapter of loss, I thought this was the boundary of
kindness humanity could reach. Similarly, more extreme cases of the good side
of humanity came my way and thus changed my mind. In the end, I have more
details to fill in the gaps to tell the story. My inventory of characters
expanded dramatically in variety and richness.
This
is a story of a time of peace. But what often comes to my mind is my late
maternal grandfather’s remarks. After losing his father-in-law to a mob of fellow
countrymen’s public beating and humiliation due to their hatred towards his
previous wealth donated to the fight against the Japanese during the second
world war, after experiencing shattering fear of almost losing his wife who
cleverly escaped from a rape of some Japanese followers in China, after losing
family members fighting the Japanese, my grandfather said, “If it had been
Chinese young men, they would have done the same thing (as the Japanese did in
the war to Chinese).” I was surprised by his statement. Now I understand those
words were not uttered from a position of weakness.
Last
year today, I was attending a commencement for students at Christopher Newport
University, just learning the news of the passing of Professor Shel Stryker.
For me, the commencement was almost a ceremony for me to celebrate Shel’s life
in my black regalia. Sometimes, I entertain the idea that his willingness to
sacrifice for others’ benefits has to do with his second world war experience
as a battlefield med. War time exposes what a person is made of more quickly
than other times.
Yet
time of peace is not less revealing of the depth of human nature. Actually, as
many people in the literary world, social psychologists ask if those who
committed acts of atrocity are really different from each and every one of us. The
many mechanisms human psyche works in combination of the many ways humans are
organized often produce counter intuitive social phenomena.
Unlike social psychology, experiments are not encouraged in the literary
world. One warning given by the ancient Arabian literature from my childhood
reading (and therefore I might be wrong in its accuracy due to memory) is: do
not test others because you may push those tested into the person you suspected
them to be. I think what this says is that do not act as gods to others.
Last
but not least, speaking of God and religion, if you are interested, you can
refer to my article on religious identity of Chinese graduate students in the
U.S.: “The Ecological Impact on Bonding and Religious Identity: A Case of
Chinese Graduate Students in the U.S.” as published by Review of Religion and
Chinese Society in the following link: http://booksandjournals.brillonline.com/content/journals/10.1163/22143955-00401003
Enjoy!
Chapter 10 The Loss – A Decade of
Confusion
If you follow the
meandering path of this book of madness to this point, you must ask: so, god,
what is on your mind? I have to say not very much. If you choose to insist, my
answer is two words: confusion and loss. I have lost the most precious thing in
the most prosperous era on the hottest spot on this planet. I lost it in
confusion: a decade of confusion. Ten years are not long. But something has
been lost and it might take decades for the fact to sink in and the search to
resurface. I don’t know what is lost but the loss is true. The only other thing
I know is that it was lost in the fog of endless confusion.
Scene 1: Love at first sight
Yida stood without any sound by the
coach. He took in the sight of the apartment door opening and closing. He then
turned his head back to stare at the cursory calligraphy on the wall, hearing
Diplomacy greeting his guests. He caught a voice without any accent and felt
somehow curious. Everyone in Beijing had an accent, including the locals. So he
glanced over again.
There they were: two women guests.
One was slim and feminine and the other a little plump and relaxed. Yida had
learned the guests were both researchers. He caught the source of that voice:
the plump guest. He had good ears after four years of recording and editing in
college studios and one year in his university TV station.
Yida felt he had met that guest
before. He took another look: not his ex. The guest was shorter with shorter
hair. But the way the guest carried herself resembled his ex: that carefree
free spirit who he loved as if she had been his daughter. So he let his beard
grow after she bid farewell from across the Pacific to have a ready warm chest
to lean on.
Sensing a glance in return, Yida
quickly looked away.
Yida followed Diplomacy’s entourage
to the university dining hall and sat down at the table with a lazy Daisy layer
on top of it. He hadn’t opened his mouth yet.
Diplomacy began his ritual as the
center of the galaxy introducing, teasing, complementing and motivating
everyone present to be part of his hospitality. Yida finally learned the
guest’s name: Mimi. He also learned her company’s name: Poet. He didn’t have to
hear Diplomacy brag about his daughters with the most humble language. He was
busy figuring out a way to ambush a rabbit.
He didn’t cast another look at Mimi
since he avoided hers although he was facing her now across the table. He
seemed to be extremely interested in Poet – Diplomacy’s quasi relative with a
finance.
With a genuine smile, Yida extended
his palm towards Poet while talking to Diplomacy sitting in the host chair next
to her, “Diplomacy Laoshi, we finally have a real beauty honoring our campus
with a visit.” Poet was obviously flattered and beamed with a closed mouth
grin, “Oh, you haven’t seen real beauties if you think I am one.”
Chapter 11 The Hell
A
spirit is wondering around. He hovers around every roof to see if everyone that
betrayed him is living well. He did not trust them. And he was right. Everyone
of those who betrayed his love and care is living happily with his rival. They
were the devils, they danced sun dance with him, they worshipped him, and they
were half foot into his door of treasure. And what did they do before the last
flash blinding his eyes? They killed him, cut him into pieces, put every piece
on fire, and dumped him in the cold sea. Now, sitting around the fireplace that
is human, these beasts in his image and under his power are free of him. And
they are happy with that.
He was right, from the
beginning. He should have never trusted those human formed beast. “But why, am
I not a beast from the beginning? I did not mean to become a beast. I was
forced to. And beast did I become. And I mate with beasts because I cannot mate
with a human formed beast. I tried so hard to tell these unfortunate lost souls
it is warm to live happily ever after with just me and the beasts. We belong to
this earth, dwelling on each and every possible corner of darkness and we will
survive. See the barren land of wars, conspiracies, and betrayal. I offered the
best I could ever think of. Stay with me. You shall survive. Now see where I
am!”
The
spirit plunged into the hell. He will find his followers there…
Now
he chases his enemy, tears in the eyes, no sway of determination. His tears are
still pure. They have not turned into blood. They will when he kills enough of
his disguised enemy. No matter where. No matter how. He is chasing one enemy,
one enemy in his way to that point of Nirvana. He will rise there in that
Nirvana, like a bubble, into the air to meet his fate of joining the heaven.
Bubbles of his followers will also rise, higher and higher, lighter and
lighter, to where the light is. That lifeline of light is so slim, so close to
the darkness to be taken away by the sunset. Seize it! Or you’ll lose it!
He will then lose his
heavy human body made of drudgery. He will jump around, as light as a clown. He
will howl on top of the mountain, like a king! He will grab each and every head
of his loyal followers and knock out the white brain! He will eat them raw!
Now, now is the time for that moment. In between him and that moment of
thousand face Buddha only stands one last piece of work to be done. That spirit
in numerous human bodies.
Chase! He must catch him
and hammer that spirit out of any body! And he became Satan at last.
Satan entertains a game
with the human. When that light in Satan extinguishes, he leaves that shabby
clothes of decentering body behind. His long ears desire that thundering
whisper from underneath his boots: all lights out! He resents body holding soul
holding that light to heaven. He looks for an edge deep and sharp into that
mirage divine trinity. His eyes rest on one man – Judas, that Jew. And he has
the money to buy his soul and his mentor’s body. Indeed he succeeds. Jesus
Christ on crux! Well deserved!
Satan grabs that Jew to
hell with him on his wings. He found Judas very comfortable to be with.
Satan grew up in a wealthy upper
middle class family in a small town in central United States. As the younger
son in the family, Satan never lacked any of the contemporary luxuries his
family could afford. When Satan turned 17, he was the tallest and toughest
young man in town. He was sent to a prestigious private school by his family in
the capital city of his home state Arkansas – Little Rock. He was the most
voracious and fastest reader in the school. He excelled in every possible way:
academic, sports, music, and of course, girls. He might not be the most
handsome guy, but his confidence was as luxurious as the greenest leaf on a
rainy day in mid-June. That self- confidence attracted girls like honey
attracting swarms of flies. But he only cared for one person he set his heart
on since he was a boy.
That girl was Maria, the next-door
girl he went to kindergarten with, played house with, stole the first innocent
kiss from, and fell in love with. Maria was a tiny and sweet brunette. Her
hazel eyes were twinkling like stars at night when she dressed up in that beige
Greek style gown with a tiny branch of purple forget me not flowers by her left
ear. Her soft features and lips were filled with the rosy wine of youth,
shining in the dusk after the county fair they went to together. There were
other friends, of course. But all Satan could see and hear was Maria. Her voice
was that of a nightingale without that harsh high-pitched ending note.
Satan was always surrounded by guys
and girls. He couldn’t help it. How could he? With that talent in one man,
there was no way he could escape from his leadership role. That was that in
school. But he was always ready to drive back to the small town where he
considered home on any possible occasion: the place where Maria was.
Maria never had a chance to leave the
town. Her family was not as well off as that of Satan. She also had to help her
parents with house chores and the four younger siblings. Her root was always
that small town. Therefore, that was also the root for Satan. He flew back to
his hometown like a bird that has to migrate in fall with its fellows in the
same regiment pattern year after year for time immemorial.
Every time he saw Maria, his heart
and breath stopped. He forgot all the skills he had with much more
sophisticated and prettier girls at school. He became an idiot whenever Maria’s
image or sound were close. Sometimes he looked at himself in the mirror and
cried out, “You’re an idiot! The stupidest idiot in the whole world!” He didn’t
understand how he couldn’t put the first real kiss on her lips when he was able
to casually kiss dozens of girls at school. He always had his cool posture when
he did that. He was pretty sure the orderly offer of their bodies was a hard-bargained
deal among the girls who could sacrifice everything for him.
But all of his usual craft was thrown
to the other side of the world when Maria was present. He had thought for many
a night why. He couldn’t understand it. The only fact he could grasp was that
he was moon struck when it came to Maria. A second fact he began to see more
clearly was that he had to act soon and quickly as Maria’s home gradually
became the visitation destination of a couple of guys of their age. He had to
have a plan to overcome his nervousness and then ask for her hand.
He began to visit his home town even
more frequently. At least twice a week.
It was a clear summer afternoon.
There were some patches of clouds in the sky, as drab as stale cotton. The
lawns were lightly brown. Leaves on trees were coiled like eye lids too heavy
to stay open. The inhaled air soon became lead balls swinging around in
nostrils.
Satan called Maria’s house. It was
Maria’s father Matt Johnson.
“Hello.” Matt’s greeting was sluggish
like the air.
“Hello.” Satan’s voice was a note
higher than usual. “Can I talk to Maria, please? This is Satan.”
“Ah, she’s not home. In the farm with
Scarlet and Helen. You can find them there if you like.” Matt wasn’t on guard.
Satan was so hot in town. He couldn’t possibly be after any of his daughters.
After thanking Matt, Satan leapt over
the door into his convertible. Within 10 minutes, he was on the 20-acre farm
belonging to Maria’s family.
The wheat farm was on a hill
surrounded by walnut trees. Because of the cascading diamond shape of the farm,
the Johnsons could only use small machinery. A bright red tractor was at the
border of the farm. Maria and her sisters were sitting under a giant walnut
tree.
Scarlet, the youngest sibling saw
Satan and yelled, “Halala…! Satan!”
Satan was so grateful Scarlet helped
him open his lung and yelled back, “Hey, ladies! Getting some shade there?”
His white shirt was stained with
sweat. Satan could feel more sweat welling out of his chest and neck. He opened
his door and methodologically closed it after he got off. He walked step by
step to the sisters.
Scarlet was a smaller version of
Maria, but much more talkative.
When Satan finally presented himself
close enough to the three sisters, Scarlet greeted him again, “Hi, Satan!
What’s up?”
“Pretty good, pretty good. Yourself?”
Satan looked down at Scarlet.
“Did you come here to see me?” The
13-year-old continued to ask with a grin.
“Of course, I came to see you. Well,
Helen and Maria, too.” Fortunately Matt had two daughters other than Maria.
Otherwise, Satan might become mute.
“Hello, Satan.” Helen nodded to him.
“I’m glad you come to visit us on such a hot day. Oh, it’s sweltering. I like
your shirt, by the way.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that.” Satan
had always liked Helen. Helen was the prettiest of the three. Helen’s face is
long and narrow with high cheekbones. Her large eyes are light brown with a
tint of green. That forever smile on her thin lips makes her an easy person to
talk to.
Maria turned her head towards Satan,
waved and looked down on earth again with a faint smile.
“What’s going on in school? This is
your junior year, right?” Helen asked, fanning her face with a walnut leaf.
“Nothing big. We’ll have some
practice sessions for the football season.” Satan started in a low-profile
tone.
“Hey! I love football! You know that,
Satan?” Scarlet bounced up from the ground.
“Yeah. It’s fun to watch but not fun
to play, you know, especially on days like this.” Satan answered, eyeballing
Maria. Maria was still inspecting the aunts patterning.
“Wow. How exciting. Can I watch you
play? Please?” Scarlet crossed her fingers, looking up into Satan’s eyes.
“Any time.” Satan grinned. “You’re
all welcome.”
“I don’t know about that.” Maria
finally straightened her back and turned to face everyone. “The wheat has to be
in soon.”
“Hey, that doesn’t matter so much if
we just do it once, right?” Helen interjected.
“Scarlet needs something outside of this field and us.”
“Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I don’t
want to ruin your plan before the rain hits.” Satan knew Maria was serious about
the farm. “How about this? I come to help you with the harvest and then we all
have fun driving up to Little Rock for one day?”
“Are you sure, Satan?” Helen was
relieved. Satan was quick and good with the machines.
“Hey, we’re neighbors, aren’t we?” Satan
stared at Maria, waiting for an affirmative.
“Satan, I appreciate your offer. It’s
just that it’s too much for you and us. You have your own life to take care
of.” Maria was not very comfortable with the plan. After all, Satan was no
longer that kid fellow she knew. Satan’s life in Little Rock was rumored to be
a little “high culture”.
“Look, Maria. I know you’re a good
farmer and a good sister. But let Scarlet and Helen have some breathing time.
Besides, I enjoy farming, can’t you see? I might come back to farming myself
after college.” Satan’s mouth was drier. He wished he had begun this process of
reacquainting Maria earlier. He might have to cut off all those girls in school
soon.
“Satan. Look, if you really want to
help, fine. Scarlet is still a kid, she might not need a ride to Little Rock
yet.” Maria declared.
“Fair enough. Fair enough.” Satan
nodded as a pestle in the mortar. “I can understand. What time should I come? I
can start right now.”
“In that?” Maria was amused, her chin
pointing to Satan’s shirt.
“I’ll be back in just a minute.”
Satan shot away to his car.
Satan came back in a gray long
sleeved T-shirt, light blue jeans, white thick cotton socks, and brown hiking
shoes. To finish, he had a pair of light yellow leather working gloves on.
He bowed deeply to Scarlet, right
hand on his heart, “At your service. Do you think I’m ready now?” He looked
askance at Maria. Maria rolled her eyes, didn’t say anything.
Before Scarlet had a chance to
answer, Helen replied with a giggle, “I like your gear. Where did you get your
gloves?”
“Mom got quite some in the tool room
for gardening. I can give each of you a pair for better protection of your
hands if you like.” Satan shrugged.
Maria kept her silence.
Helen was moved by Satan’s
carefulness. “Thank you, Satan. That’s very nice of you.”
Scarlet finally had her turn, “I’d
like a purple pair. You know, sometimes I’m not sure about my future.”
Maria frowned, “You don’t have to. In
the next two hours, you’ll help me with the reaping. If the tractor gets stuck
in a field corner, I want you to get off and direct me. Helen, you can help
Satan with the straw.”
Maria drove off with Scarlet. The
terraced fields were neatly combed by the tractor. When the long-awaited breeze
blew open Maria’s long hair and red and orange patterned cotton shirt, Satan
stood up and wiped sweat off his face with his handkerchief. His heart ached.
Maria’s hair was like streaming silk. And Maria was so far away, working. When would she consider her own needs? Who
would she fall in love with?
Turning around a final sharp corner,
Maria exhaled. It was hard. This farm was not of the best quality, the soil or
the shape. But indeed it was her ambition and her disposition. She could make
$## a year out of it by growing wheat and other seasonal plants, enough for her
siblings’ tuition and living expenses. And she loved farming: the smell of the
earth in drought, rain, and snow; the changing vegetarian landscapes growing
out of it; and the exhausting feeling after a day’s work. She often took off
her gloves and admired her own hands: the slim fingers covered with callus.
Maria stopped the tractor. On the
other side of the farm, Satan was carrying a straw wheel prepared by Helen on
his right shoulder to the border of the farm. The broad shoulders and the
dexterous steps were reassuring to Maria. Looking over Satan’s shoulders, Maria
was shocked to find black clouds were crushing the mountain tops and closing
in. Then the wind became violent whistling.
Maria got off the tractor and
gestured to Scarlet, “I think we should ask Helen and Satan to stop. The storm
is around the corner.” She then strode to Helen and Satan. Scarlet followed her
closely.
Before Maria and Scarlet met up with
Satan and Helen at the border of the farm, the rain poured down. Anything 5
inches away was like a thick white curtain away. Maria petted Satan on the
shoulder and shouted, “Let’s go to your car. It’s closer.”
“OK!” Satan shouted back. The four of
them treaded the little ponds all over the farm to Satan’s car.
Once in the car, Scarlet shook the
rain from her head and body like a piece of electrified fur. She stomped her
feet and sighed loudly, “No prize for working!”
Also in the back seats, Helen
squeezed dry her hair and leaned forward to talk to Maria and Satan, “Wow, this
is cool although we didn’t expect THAT.”
Maria took off her shirt, squeezed it
and dried her hair with it. “It IS a surprise.” She turned around to face Helen
and Scarlet.
Satan smiled and turned
around, too. Before he could see Scarlet and Helen, he saw the shape of Maria’s
nipples under the wet white tank top and cotton bras. His head exploded and the
blood from all over his body flooded to his heart.
